Behind the Book....
I'm a sucker for
punishment. I really, really am. But that's good, because
I'm constantly turning over ideas in my mind looking for ways to make
stories just that little bit different.
The idea of Noah
came fairly quickly and I was sure my editor would raise an eyebrow - or
both - and say "Are you sure you know what you're doing?" Of
course the answer would be no. But characters grab hold and you
know you just have to write them.
What made Noah
different?
Well, he's my
first physically disabled hero.
Let's face
it...lots of times wounds aren't magically healed, and people - human
beings - have to live with whatever has befallen. It doesn't make
them any less capable of loving - or of being lovable. Noah lost
his arm overseas in action. And I knew the cardinal rule of
hero-writing - heroes lead. Noah, for all his rotten luck,
couldn't feel sorry for himself. And he doesn't. And
yet...he doesn't feel quite whole either. It's a paradox that
endeared him to me from the start. I cried a lot of tears writing
this...a LOT. Sometimes when I least expected it. Because
Noah IS grumpy. A lesser woman would throw up her hands and say
what a bear.
But Lily sees
beyond all the bluff and bluster to the man beneath. She can't
help but fall for him. Which brings complications along with it,
because Noah is everything she never wanted.
I had help getting
this story going and so I have to thank Dr. Stephen MacLean, husband of
a friend and damned good author, Julianne MacLean. He graciously
gave me tons of information about the medical side of things.
I also have to
thank Captain Wayne Johnston of the Wounded Warriors organization.
Talking to him was one of the highlights of putting this book together.
The work this organization is so important to our troops wounded in
combat.
Playlist...
Except for one song, I couldn't
remember what I had on this playlist, so I went back and checked my blog
and voila! There it was. This is what I listened to as I
wrote Her Lone Cowboy:
Bring
Him Home - Ryandan
Broken -
Lifehouse (the song that
actually started it all for me)
Marry Me -
Amanda Marshall
Beautiful
- Christina Aguilera
Hemorrhage
- Fuel
You're
Beautiful - James Blunt
Your Body
is a Wonderland - John Mayer
Hello
Goodbye - Live on Arrival
Gotta Be
Somebody - Nickelback
Skin -
Rascal Flatts
Best I
Ever Had - State of Shock
Just When
I Needed You Most - Bread (Go
ahead and laugh)
The
Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice
(this is going to be for one
scene in particular)
So Far
Away - Staind
It all makes sense now, and a few
were key. One was Broken, as it made me think of Noah right away.
And if you look at the playlist, I said that The Blower's Daughter was
for one scene in particular. It was. It was an incredible
scene to write...in my mind and heart a real Patrick Swayze moment with
the awkwardness of Dirty Dancing and the poignancy of Ghost. It
was a hankies-required scene and as ever the music only helped me open
that vein I resist so often, letting me bleed on the page. Let me
tell you, I'm wiped emotionally after writing some days. But I
think it's worth it.
Excerpt
“We can do this another day.”
Noah sighed and shoved his pack
into the back seat. “That means another trip to town and prolonging
another physio day. I’d rather just get it done. Besides if we don’t,
the first thing Jen will do is remind us how few days there are until
the wedding.”
Lily shut the car door and led the
way to the store. “You’re probably right. I’ll try to make it
painless.”
Inside they were greeted by a
pleasant salesman who took one look at Noah’s arm and then raised his
gaze politely to Noah’s face.
“We’re here to rent a tuxedo,”
Lily explained, as Noah stared around him at suits, shoes, and
novelties.
“Is the wedding party registered
here?”
“No…the groom has his own tux.
We’ll only be needing the one.”
“Sir?”
Noah turned from looking at the
silver flasks at the counter and straightened at the word Sir. Lily had
the sudden thought that perhaps he missed that particular word. It was
as indicative of his former life as the uniform, she would imagine. She
wondered why he wasn’t wearing his dress uniform for the wedding. She
hadn’t even thought to ask. She wondered if it was his decision or
Andrew’s request.
“May I take your measurements,
sir?”
Noah and Lily followed the
salesman to a back portion of the store, where the clerk retrieved a
form and a measuring tape. After filling out the information, he
procured his tape. But as he began to stretch it out, Lily saw him
hesitate next to Noah’s arm. His cheeks suddenly coloured and he
stepped back.
“I’m…I’m sorry, sir.” He
stammered and then cleared his throat. “I don’t know if you’re
comfortable with…I mean I…”
Noah’s eyes darkened. “You mean
you’re not comfortable.”
Lily sensed the impending storm.
Noah had had people poking and analyzing and asking questions all day.
Getting fitted for his tuxedo was definitely not a good idea. He was
tired and she felt the frustration coming off of him.
The clerk swallowed and bravely
met Noah’s gaze. “I simply don’t want to presume, or inadvertently hurt
you.”
“Noah.” She stepped in front of
him and caught his gaze, hoping to send a well-meaning caution. “I
think he’s just unsure. It’s awkward, that’s all.”
“Dammit, Lily,” he warned in a low
whisper. “I didn’t want to do this in the first place.”
“Then why not wear your dress
uniform?”
For a moment Noah’s gaze held
hers. “Because for this one day I am not Captain Laramie. I am brother
of the groom.”
“May I proceed, sir?”
A muscle in Noah’s jaw ticked.
Lily thought maybe everyone would be more comfortable if she used the
tape measure. The clerk could note the measurements and Noah might lose
some of his stoic resentment.
“I’ll do it,” she said, loud
enough that the attendant could hear. “Or we’ll do it together.” She
lowered her voice, put her fingers over Noah’s. “Is that okay? Someone
needs to measure you.”
She saw him swallow. Other than
the afternoon when they’d been pressed together, they had avoided
touching. Suddenly her great idea seemed intensely intimate and her
tongue slipped out to wet her lips.
“Fine, you do it,” he said
sharply, his gaze dropping to where the tip of her tongue had
disappeared back into her mouth.
Lily took the tape from the
attendant and smiled. “I do a fair bit of sewing.” It was an
understatement, but right now she just wanted to keep everyone happy.
“Just tell me if the line isn’t exactly where you want it.”
Her fingertips grazed the muscles
of his shoulders as the tape stretched across the breadth of him. She
measured down his left arm, meeting his eyes only briefly when she
murmured words about using the same length for the right – it would be
pinned up out of the way anyway. She heard him catch his breath as she
wrapped the tape around his slim waist, and she had to remind him to
relax and let the breath out. The fabric of his shirt was soft and warm
against her fingers and butterflies tumbled in her stomach as her hands
rested against the button of his jeans for a few breathless moments.
This wasn’t what she’d had planned when
she’d told herself she was going to keep Noah at arm’s length. The way
she was responding, and the way he was holding himself so rigidly, told
her an arm’s length away was still too close.
“I need to do your chest,” she
said quietly, and she reached around him. She guided the tape measure
beneath his arms, her fingers touching his right bicep lightly as she
adjusted the tape. Did it hurt? Did it feel odd to move that part of
his arm without the rest of it attached? His heart pounded against her
hand as she brought the ends of the tape together. Touching him this
way made her too self-conscious to ask. She read out the measurement
instead and the man put it on his clipboard.
“Now there’s just the inseam,” he
chirped, oblivious to the tug of war going on between Lily and Noah.
“You should have on proper shoes to measure that,” he explained.
“You’re what, an eleven?”
Noah nodded. As the salesman
scurried away to retrieve dress shoes, Noah’s voice came from above,
deep and husky. “Lily…”
“There’s a chair over there, why
don’t you sit to change your footwear,” she blurted, more affected than
she wanted to admit by the rough way he’d said her name. She did not
want to be the pretty girl who’d lent a hand. Someone who had his
attention now, when he needed her, but would one day be forgotten. It
was better to keep it strictly platonic.
Noah hesitated the smallest instant,
and for a minute she was afraid he was going to say something more. But
he went and sat and pushed off one boot with his toes. The second
required more pushing, and she gave in and knelt before him, gripping
the heel and sliding it off his foot.
“I hate this,” he admitted in a
low voice. Lily’s eyes stung. Grouchy Noah was a challenge, but a Noah
who started to trust her was far more difficult to handle. In only a
short week he’d started accepting little bits of help, like the drive
today to his appointments. She almost preferred the stubborn, irascible
man to this one. It was easier to keep her distance from him. Easier
to keep her thoughts in line with where they should be.
The salesman arrived with a
shoebox. Lily took the shoes, unlaced them, and put them on the floor
for Noah to put on his feet while she talked to the salesman about what
style tuxedo they wanted to coordinate with Andrew’s. She wouldn’t
stoop so far as to do everything for him.
When she turned back, Noah’s
cheeks were red. He had the toe of his right shoe holding down the
right hand lace of the left shoe, while he tried to negotiate the other
tie into a semblance of knot and bow with one hand.
“Dammit!” he finally exploded,
sitting back on the bench and closing his eyes while his jaw trembled
with frustration.
“Could you give us a moment?”
Lily asked the salesman in a whisper. When he’d discreetly left, she
went to Noah and sat on the bench beside him.
“Noah,” she began, but he cut her off.
“Don’t,” he commanded, and she recoiled
from the venom in his voice. “Don’t you dare try to placate me or say
it’s understandable or whatever it is you are going to say. I can’t
stand it.”
All the platitudes she’d had on the tip
of her tongue, the ones about needing time to adjust and how things
would get better and it was understandable to be frustrated fled, driven
away by the force of his words.
“All right.”
For several minutes she waited, feeling
the vibrations of resentment lengthen and weaken. He finally reached
over and took her hand. “I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for.”
Relieved, she turned on the bench so that her knees touched his. “You
are allowed to feel the way you feel.”
“Helpless? Is it okay for me to feel
helpless?”
“How can I answer that without saying
any of the things you’ve forbidden me to say?”
That drew a reluctant smile from his
lips. “Touche.”
“Look, we’re almost done. Why don’t
you just let me tie them this once.”
“Because I need to do it myself.”
“Why?”
His eyes glittered at her, angry and
resentful. “Because I do, okay?”
“Does this have to do with your wounded
male pride?” She tried to lighten the mood but he didn’t smile. Oh no,
a smile would have been preferable to the searing gaze he treated her
to. There was an intensity to Noah she couldn’t deny, and it drew her
to him no matter how many times she told herself it wasn’t smart.
“Yes,” he said simply.
Something sizzled in the air between
them. Lily looked away first. “We can argue about this later. Right now
the salesman is wondering what the heck is going on. Will you let me
tie them, please?”
He nodded, and she squatted down,
deftly tying the laces while he clenched his jaw tightly and stared past
her to the changing rooms, his gaze closed off and unreceptive.
Every one of his struggles seemed
to hit her square in the heart. He was so proud. She knew he hated it
every time he attempted something and failed. His occupational therapy
would teach him tricks to manage everyday tasks, she was sure. He just
wasn’t there yet.
Lily beckoned the salesman over
again and took the tape measure in hand once more as he stood up,
shaking down his pantlegs. Suddenly she seemed to realize exactly where
she was measuring – his inseam. Embarrassed, she couldn’t find it
within herself to meet his gaze. She tried a smile on the sales
assistant, knowing it was futile to think he didn’t sense her
discomfort. “I think you can do this one?” she suggested.
The man took the tape back and
deftly made the measurement. Lily couldn’t help it, she finally risked
a look at Noah, and her lips quivered as he waggled his eyebrows at her.
He knew. He knew why she’d suggested the salesman take the
measurement and he was teasing. Her heartbeat took a little lift. After
his outburst, a sense of humour was like a ray of sunshine.
“Fantastic,” the clerk said,
beaming. “Let’s try on some styles to be sure, shall we? The four
button notch is a great choice. What colours for the vest and tie?”
“Just white,” Lily replied when
Noah shrugged. “This is why you needed me with you,” she chided,
offering a small smile. “You wouldn’t have had a clue on your own.”
“Hey, I’ve had my wardrobe
supplied for the last few years,” he replied. They could see the clerk
hovering at a rack, fiddling with hangers but obviously listening in.
Noah leaned forward and said in a stage whisper, “That happens in
prison.”
Lily gaped and fought hard not to
laugh. She turned her forehead to Noah’s chest, hiding as soon as she
saw the clerk’s eyes widen. Inaudible giggles shook her chest as she
felt his smile next to her temple. His joke took her so much by
surprise she had no opportunity to guard against it.
“Oh come on, you know now he’s
wondering what I was in for and how I lost my arm,” he murmured, his
breath warm in her ear.
“You’re terrible.”
The smile faded, she could feel it
as the warmth at her temple disappeared. “It’s been a rough day. I
don’t want to lose my temper again. I’m sorry, Lily, for being so short
with you. For allowing myself to get frustrated. It’s just safer to
have fun with it. Maybe I need to start laughing more.”
While they were waiting, Lily
leaned back. “Does this feel like a prison now? Being ripped out of
the life you knew?” She searched his eyes, marveling at how the layers
of Noah seemed to be getting unwrapped today – both good and bad.
“Sometimes. When I get
frustrated, like I was with the shoes. Or when I just miss the life. I
thought I was a career soldier. It’s tough to be a civilian after this
long.”
“Ah, here we
go. Four button notch with a
white vest and tie.” The clerk put the clothing on a hook in a dressing
room.
Noah reached for the safety pin
holding his sleeve, but he couldn’t seem to get it to release properly.
After a half dozen tries and a healthy sigh, he turned back.
This time she didn’t ask. He was
tired and his patience was at the breaking point. He needed to get this
over with and get out of here.
She reached for the pin, odd
circles of nerves twirling around her insides as she touched his stump
for the first time through the sleeve. It felt like any ordinary arm,
only it was wrapped beneath the shirt and ended above the elbow. She
wasn’t sure what she’d expected. Something harder, less pliant
perhaps. She was careful, not knowing if it was still tender to the
touch.
“The wedding is in August. I
think we’d better plan on pinning you twice. Once with the jacket for
the ceremony, and then with the jacket off for the reception due to the
heat. I can help you with that. I’m a whiz with pins and things. No
one will even be able to see it.”
She clipped the safety pin closed and smiled up at him, the edges of it
trembling.
“You don’t need to.”
“As maid of honour, I consider it
one of my duties.”
“No, what I mean is that I’ll be
able to do it myself.”
Lily frowned. Despite needing her help
today, he wasn’t showing any signs of letting up. In the meantime, he
was frustrating himself to death.
“I’ll be out in a few minutes.”
He took the clothes into the
changing room while Lily and the clerk waited. The clerk had said very
little since Noah’s surprise revelation.
It took slightly longer than it
would have normally, but Noah finally stepped out from behind the door
and Lily caught her breath.
He was stunning. His eyes gleamed
above the fine lines of his cheekbones, his dark hair mussed slightly
from pulling his t-shirt over his head. His tan set off the snowy white
of the shirt, which he’d buttoned to the second top button. The vest
lay taut against his flat stomach, and the jacket was unbuttoned. The
shirt was tucked in rather unevenly into the trousers. All in all, he
looked like a man at the end of the day rather than the beginning, and
it was arresting.
“The tie,” she said, reaching
forward and buttoning the top button. “We won’t get the full effect
without the tie.”
The skin of his neck was warm against
her fingers and she fought the feeling that this whole afternoon was
something a girlfriend or wife should be doing, not a recent
acquaintance or sudden bridesmaid. He swallowed and his adam’s apple
bobbed against her fingertips. She slid the silk tie around his neck
and fumbled her way through a Windsor knot, remembering quite painfully
performing the same task for a very young, very fresh-faced groom.
Lord, she’d been so young, and so naďve, so sure everything was going to
work out the way they’d planned. She saw the empty sleeve at Noah’s
side in her peripheral vision. Surely Noah had had dreams of his own.
How many had been quashed by the loss of his arm?
Reviews
"Well-defined
characters and a powerful conflict drive the plot, and the story's
especially touching because of Noah's plight and inner strength."
Romantic Times, 4 stars
